How to keep the seat next to you empty.
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No. YOU-buprofen.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.