me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment

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It’s difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.


Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*


Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.


[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?


teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that


Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school


APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too


ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.