Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
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god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
m’lady
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.