@Marlebean

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

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@aissalanis

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

@JT_IV_

What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?

@silvertongue37

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.

@Bexdora

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

@shutupmikeginn

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

@ItsDanSheehan

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

@Branka_R

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

@NewDadNotes

Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.