My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
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What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman’s purse.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I wish Fox News was just news about foxes.