Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
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Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born