me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
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Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*