ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
“what that mouth do?” complain
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Oh hi lol
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me