@KentWGraham

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

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@NickBossRoss

Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”

@nayomeewallace

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

@wendchymes

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

@Grommit56

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

@Birdhumms

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

@Dutch_50

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

@truegritrumble

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

@ambamthankyamam

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

@That_Damn_Duck

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.