Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.