ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

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*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?


I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.


Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.


Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?


I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.


[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”


Wait. I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was just a coloring book for dogs.


I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.


I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”


The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.