me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*


coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them


On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.


My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”

I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”


[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks


I’m not a nun goddammit. Unless my kids are on Twitter, in which case, I ONLY HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAD THREE (3) TIMES AND IT WASN’T FUN OK?!?


My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.


[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no


Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.