Our super’s response to a text about mice in the apartment, amazing
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
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Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
me: because I hate them
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
My Executive Director said to me “Well aren’t you an eager beaver”
I was like “Oh my God, Why? What have you heard???”
[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks
I’m not a nun goddammit. Unless my kids are on Twitter, in which case, I ONLY HAD SEX WITH YOUR DAD THREE (3) TIMES AND IT WASN’T FUN OK?!?
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Me: oh no
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.