Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
I needed a laugh this morning.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
*blows birthday candles
Candles: I don’t want anything serious