me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
You Might Also Like
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children