@ElliotHetherton

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

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@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

@krisv_723

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

@misfarber

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

@Ygrene

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@Rollinintheseat

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

@ddsmidt

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

@Twtercide

*blows birthday candles

Candles: I don’t want anything serious