me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.