Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Me: so what else are you lying about
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Wives everywhere: Good news! You have time to do all those projects you promised
Husbands: We have a cure
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
My kid keeps referring to himself as a human boy and now I’m starting to have doubts
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl
Me: Okay, I can work with this.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Me: But Aenid you
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
“Doctor, tennis has caused bad pain in my forearms”
-There’s nothing I can do
-Not until you bring in your other two arms