Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that