Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.


Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.


GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.

US: That used to be a Blockbuster.

KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.


I have enough money to live comfortably the rest of my life if I die next thursday


pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates


*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*


[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist


Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.


Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.