Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
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SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.