Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
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How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
next question.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.