me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
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People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’