ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”