ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
what
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?