If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
You Might Also Like
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.