@3sunzzz

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

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@Just_Lee_

If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.

@E_Ville13

Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.

@pilau

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

@girlontapas

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

@sofarrsogud

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

@gaurav_verma23

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

@DothTheDoth

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.