Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
You Might Also Like
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
was Jim off killing horses or…
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh