ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

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Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*


whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them


I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?


If I were Santa Claus, I’d have my agent be like “He’s not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.”


I’m the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.

Really dirty.


Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands


Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music


When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home