ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
they split up moments later
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.