Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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Have you guys ever seen any of my exes?
whoever named them “freshmen” never had to live with three of them
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Thank you, Internet.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
If I were Santa Claus, I’d have my agent be like “He’s not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car.”
I’m the kind of girl that will suck helium from a balloon and talk dirty to you in a Minnie Mouse voice.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
When I tell people I don’t speak English to get out of a conversation I randomly throw the word hemorrhoid just to bring it home