ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

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I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn’t bark at. That person should become president.


Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.


I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.






Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES


Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.


If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet


[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?


Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.


This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.


ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon