@ch000ch

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

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@TheMichaelRock

I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn’t bark at. That person should become president.

@UnFitz

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

@DadZZZasleep

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

@markhoppus

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

@patrickmarkryan

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

@MatCro

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

@Parkerlawyer

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

@SpokenDamsel

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

@hippieswordfish

ME: how do u get girls
SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know…organ
[later at the bar]
ME: hey baby i got a real big colon