Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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Think I pulled my liver
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
multitasking lunch
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.