If only.
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts