Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
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[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.