Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.


crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers


Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.



Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K


Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted


I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.


“Where’d my boomerang go?”

Under there

“Under where?”

Hahaha I just made you say “underwear”

*boomerang hits me in the back of the head*


We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”


my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses