Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Florida man
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow