ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Planet of the Apps.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.