me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium