Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
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Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
According to math, I’m broke
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.