Cut back on carbs by putting two hot dogs in one bun.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.