@KalvinMacleod

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

You Might Also Like

@aksorojas

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

@RegularFred

Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@sofarrsogud

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

@Sassafrantz

Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.

@SNStone

Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.

@Marcmywords2

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

@mjkspeaks

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

@KeetPotato

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

@jackiembouvier

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.