ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows


Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.


Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.


Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.


Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.


Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.


Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.


I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.


wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
me: “goddamnit dad”


[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.