ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
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*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Strange
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?