ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

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Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir


PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*


*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*


My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.


I be having a mini heart attack when I almost send a screenshot to the person I screenshoted


me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious


I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.


Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.