me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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Thrilling chase underway
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.