me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
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I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden: