@TweetPotato314

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

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@shutupmikeginn

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@lmegordon

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

@maisonwithapen

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

@AphroditeAfter5

My boyfriend wants to do it like three times a week—–together. He’s so demanding!

@caseytduncan

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

@NewDadNotes

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

@LostFelicia

I bought new sunglasses that blend well with the color of my hair
so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head

@oldlinds

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

@dugglebutt

“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset