Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Great acting.. 😂
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing