Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.


Last night I had a dream eating noodles but when I woke up I couldn’t find my earphones. 😫


Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?


I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.

I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”

I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.

There is no moral to this story.


You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.


“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.


I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.


Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people