I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
the only ex i miss is ex-tra money
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.