Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously