The training begins.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.