@FU_TangClan

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

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@Staggfilms

ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.

HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?

ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*

@DammitLarry1

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

@DaddyJew

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@JoParkerBear

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

@thatUPSdude

I heard someone say their podcast was on “hiatus”, guess that sounds better than “my mom took away my laptop”.

@danjan13

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

@LaceyNycole

Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.

Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*