Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
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My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you