ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious