ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
Banana is the quietest snack
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!