Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
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Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle