@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:10:”tracy_marq”;s:5:”image”;s:59:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1959113727/cb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:17:”82926390600663040″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”281″;s:5:”tweet”;s:78:”If my dad were alive today he would say, “Tracy stop telling people I’m dead”.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@Staggfilms

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

@Home_Halfway

INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office
INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room
INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom
BIDEN: Okay, let’s go catch some Pokemon

@Tayallderdice

U can call me childish but When me and my ex broke up I used to go to her house ring the door bell and run away for few months

@Shock_Monster

Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?