@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

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@markleggett

Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@junejuly12

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

@MiddlingMs

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

@iwearaonesie

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

@zachv86

*speaks at high school graduation*

Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.

@vanluvz1

Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

@Asbo_Unicorn

It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee

@zephyrs0phie

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there