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@momjeansplease: Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
@Alex_N_Chains: "After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands."
- Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
@jake_lach: If I was antisocial I wouldn't have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
@KizerBillhelm: *on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
@WilliamAder: Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
@thenatewolf: Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.