Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Namaste
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.