Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

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Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.


If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.


Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…


How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock


*speaks at high school graduation*

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Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.


It is better to have loved and lost than have your face ripped off by a chimpanzee


Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there