@momjeansplease

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

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@SirEviscerate

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@Marlebean

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

@turtledumplin

I won’t slam on my brakes if someone’s tailgating me…I will, however, take my foot off the accelerator and slowly come to a stop.

@lisaxy424

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.