Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Important
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.