[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
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watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.