@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

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@Flykins

regardless means without regard

irregardless means the same as regardless except you never had any English classes

@huntigula

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

@tastefactory

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

@Shade510

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

@FuckabillyRex

-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.

@yerpalmildsauce

*noise*
GF: there’s somebody in the kitchen!
ME: *already unsheathing my blade* that’s where the food is

@hazelmotes1

Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won’t electrocute them. It will only make them angry