[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
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One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
good work, detective
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
*mops up wine with cat*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Inside you there are two wolves
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??