@Kyle_Lippert: [Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
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@morganalxander: Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
@UncleDuke1969: COP: License and registration please. ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash* COP: What do you think you’re doing? ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon* COP: Have a good night.
@EvilPandaX: Things not too say before a 3some: Of Course we're going to wait for your friend, she's the hot one.
@sannewman: Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.