Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.