Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
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Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
The French cow says MEUX…