Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask