@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

@timdonakowski

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

@GinRumMe

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

@samcorb

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

@TheBoydP

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce