I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask
You Might Also Like
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce