ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

You Might Also Like


horse: [falls in water] haha whoops
seahorse: You are outside of your domain.
horse: no see haha it was an accident, i fell-
seahorse: The ancient pact has been violated. The invasion begins.
horse: wait wha-


Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?


Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.


Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.


HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent


[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”


Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played


Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked


ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.


Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?