@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

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@D0GGEAUX

horse: [falls in water] haha whoops
seahorse: You are outside of your domain.
horse: no see haha it was an accident, i fell-
seahorse: The ancient pact has been violated. The invasion begins.
horse: wait wha-
seahorses [swarming]: THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOLATED THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOL

@NYC_Blonde

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

@junejuly12

Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.

@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: how was your day?

ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?

HER: it was that bad??

ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent

@joryjohn

[Baby crying in a movie theater]
Me: “What’s his name?”
Parent: “Ethan.”
Me: “The movie’s starting, Ethan.”

@lmwortho

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

@TheAndrewNadeau

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

@truegritrumble

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

@HatfieldAnne

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?