ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol