Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
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A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.