Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.

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King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try


Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”


*texting with girls*

Her: I <3 you

Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3


you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower


Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now


Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not


All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”


According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt