King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
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Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I’m not proud
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
All in favor of imitating Spanish women say “Aye-yi-yi.”
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt