ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

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My tombstone will just say “Deactivated.” I want people to be afraid that I could come back.


I hate this double standard
burning a body in the crematorium is fine-
……but you do it at home and suddenly it’s destroying evidence.


Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.


*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*


To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.


My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.


A roasted peanut is a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts.


I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”


Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.