Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
You Might Also Like
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.