me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.